Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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