The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
