This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize