Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
