the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
