My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
