remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
