Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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