you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Even my vagina gasped.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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