It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize