I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
