i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
don't judge my taste in strippers
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
