I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
