were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
