the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't deserve a penis
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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