my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
