This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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