respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
