FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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