just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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