my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
