Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
