What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Randomize
