A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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