you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize