I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
