thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
