You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
