I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i think i scared a bird with my dick
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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