a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
