apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
