My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
