oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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