Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
