Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
