my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
