Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
