I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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