Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
