someone get that fucking seahorse.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
