I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
