I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
