You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
