i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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