from now on my penis is your penis
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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