she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
