Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
