ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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