apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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