Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
