She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
