I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
